"I've done it before and I know the easiest ways to get it back." The Calamity was never really gone, and Zodiark hadn't even left. Finn wasn't going to pretend that he didn't know himself. If he felt cornered, if he thought the people he loved needed him, if he made himself believe there was no other choice, it would all be excuses to take up the mantle again.
But it'd be so much worse.
"I had-" Finn choked but swallowed and breathed through it. "I had a power in Vaikuntha almost no one else did. It was strong, strong enough to win wars, but it was... wrong. It hurt me every time I used it, made me wrong, so I tried not to, but-...
"I had Skywalker's lightsaber there and a few swordsmen showed me how to use it, but one day a Zabrak man showed up. He said he used to be Jedi during the Republic right before the Empire came into power. I started learning under him and became his apprentice, but he was lying to me. He was a Jedi before he became a Sith. His name was Darth Maul. And I believed everything he taught me because I wanted to, because the excuse that he said he was a Jedi was too convenient. He pushed me to use that darkness, and I kept going and-..."
And he helped destroy their home. Not of his own will, but his choices lead to it. If Finn hadn't gone down that path, none of it would have happened. And his name. The name threatened to make him sick, but he just squeezed Poe's hand harder.
Finn stared at the floor, looking right through it, panicking but almost coming off as weirdly calm. "I didn't have the Force then. Or... I didn't know I did... Maybe he knew... But I didn't have the Force and I still went to the Sith."
If he had been thinking clearly, he would expect to leave at the very least. Honestly, though? He kind of forgot the other man was there.
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But it'd be so much worse.
"I had-" Finn choked but swallowed and breathed through it. "I had a power in Vaikuntha almost no one else did. It was strong, strong enough to win wars, but it was... wrong. It hurt me every time I used it, made me wrong, so I tried not to, but-...
"I had Skywalker's lightsaber there and a few swordsmen showed me how to use it, but one day a Zabrak man showed up. He said he used to be Jedi during the Republic right before the Empire came into power. I started learning under him and became his apprentice, but he was lying to me. He was a Jedi before he became a Sith. His name was Darth Maul. And I believed everything he taught me because I wanted to, because the excuse that he said he was a Jedi was too convenient. He pushed me to use that darkness, and I kept going and-..."
And he helped destroy their home. Not of his own will, but his choices lead to it. If Finn hadn't gone down that path, none of it would have happened. And his name. The name threatened to make him sick, but he just squeezed Poe's hand harder.
Finn stared at the floor, looking right through it, panicking but almost coming off as weirdly calm. "I didn't have the Force then. Or... I didn't know I did... Maybe he knew... But I didn't have the Force and I still went to the Sith."
If he had been thinking clearly, he would expect to leave at the very least. Honestly, though? He kind of forgot the other man was there.