"I've done it before and I know the easiest ways to get it back." The Calamity was never really gone, and Zodiark hadn't even left. Finn wasn't going to pretend that he didn't know himself. If he felt cornered, if he thought the people he loved needed him, if he made himself believe there was no other choice, it would all be excuses to take up the mantle again.
But it'd be so much worse.
"I had-" Finn choked but swallowed and breathed through it. "I had a power in Vaikuntha almost no one else did. It was strong, strong enough to win wars, but it was... wrong. It hurt me every time I used it, made me wrong, so I tried not to, but-...
"I had Skywalker's lightsaber there and a few swordsmen showed me how to use it, but one day a Zabrak man showed up. He said he used to be Jedi during the Republic right before the Empire came into power. I started learning under him and became his apprentice, but he was lying to me. He was a Jedi before he became a Sith. His name was Darth Maul. And I believed everything he taught me because I wanted to, because the excuse that he said he was a Jedi was too convenient. He pushed me to use that darkness, and I kept going and-..."
And he helped destroy their home. Not of his own will, but his choices lead to it. If Finn hadn't gone down that path, none of it would have happened. And his name. The name threatened to make him sick, but he just squeezed Poe's hand harder.
Finn stared at the floor, looking right through it, panicking but almost coming off as weirdly calm. "I didn't have the Force then. Or... I didn't know I did... Maybe he knew... But I didn't have the Force and I still went to the Sith."
If he had been thinking clearly, he would expect to leave at the very least. Honestly, though? He kind of forgot the other man was there.
Poe listened, his expression somber and his eyes fixed on Finn’s face.
He couldn’t believe it. Not really. Not because he thought Finn was lying, but because he knew him. He knew Finn wouldn’t harm anyone unless it was to protect someone else. Knew that he loved completely and fiercely and would do anything for his friends. Maybe he just...
Maybe he’d loved this Darth Maul guy, too, he thought, his throat turning a little sour at the thought. Maybe he’d been blinded through that. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask, even the thought making his chest ache.
“He tricked you,” he said finally, quietly. “And if he was here, you wouldn’t do it again. Would you.”
"... I don't know." He would say it had nothing to do with Maul, but his anger and need to be rid of him again quickly might tip Finn to the dark again. Who could say?
But it wasn't like what Poe thought. Or what Finn assumed Poe thought. "I wasn't lured there by Maul in the first place. I just... wanted to protect you, protect you and Rey. It had to be done fast, and that was the easiest way. No one else would do it, I didn't want anyone else to have to."
He was starting to get on a roll, starting to spiral and really panic. Finn pulled his hands away and stood, walking around the table and just steadily moving away as he spoke. "It was all excuses at the end. I was prepared to die, so I didn't care anymore. I became them, Poe. I became a Sith without the Force, and now it's here and I'm already messed up. I can't do this again. I can't hurt you. I know I'll hurt you this time--"
Poe sighed, his hands feeling cold now that Finn's had left them, and he curled his legs up under him to sit cross legged on the couch before frowning up at Finn.
"You wanted to protect the people you cared about, so you made some stupid choices. Got a lot of people hurt. Even people you loved. Is that what you're trying to say?"
He tilted his head a little bit.
"And you think if we've done it once, we're doomed to do it again?" The shift from 'you' to 'we' was a quiet one, but his expression said it more clearly than his words did.
He'd gotten so many people he cared about killed, because he thought it was for the best. He didn't have the excuse of the dark side of the force, or the sith. All he had to blame was himself.
The first part hurt, drove Finn to silence. That's exactly what he'd done, and Poe was starting to reject him and slip away. He leaned against the wall, turned away from him in silence.
But Poe continued, and Finn didn't miss the 'we,' though it took him a second to realize what that meant. Crait. The Raddus. Finn turned back to him, a tear track down one cheek forgotten. "That's different. I would have sacrificed people. I know I would have." But he hadn't, even when he boasted as much or got pressed into a corner. No, the only times he hurt innocents was when it wasn't even really him.
That didn't excuse Finn's blame in it, though. "You never had that intention. You never want to hurt anyone. It's different."
Because it had to be. Because Poe was the Light and he'd never be something like Finn was.
"I did sacrifice people." The words were solemn, and hard, and he didn't blink or look away while he kept Finn's gaze. "I sacrificed nearly an entire bomber squadron. I sacrificed pilots and I sacrificed my friends, and I have to live with that."
He wasn't going to hear it excused. Not from Finn, not from anyone.
"And I got a lot more killed through ignorance and arrogance, too. If it's so different, you tell me exactly how. Because did you really go into it meaning to hurt people, or did it just seem like a necessary side effect of working for the cause?"
He let out a hard breath.
"We're not faultless, Finn. Those weren't even the first mistakes I've made, in my life, or the first time I've gotten people hurt. But the point is that you learn from them. And you decide never to let it happen again."
No, he shook his head, starting to get angry. He couldn't let Poe draw that comparison. "That's war. They knew the stakes. You can't blame yourself for it. It can't be the same.
"But whatever mistakes we've made, you've learned from yours. What makes you think I'm strong enough not to go back? I feel it. It's already there- I'm already there."
A part of him knew what Poe was saying. That choosing a side was a choice, and Finn didn't have to make the same choices as before. Mistakes happen, and you have to move on. Finn thought he had moved on. This ability turning up just made those mistakes seem permanent, though, that there was no crawling out of the dark side for him.
In short, he was being stubborn and stupid and a lot like he had been before. Just making excuses.
"Of course I blame myself for it," Poe interjected, a hint of annoyance entering his own voice now. Though it was closer to frustration.
"I should blame myself for it. It was my responsibility and I made a mistake. One that people I loved paid the price for. I have to blame myself for it, so that I never make that kind of mistake again. I won't forget it and I won't excuse it. All I can do is endeavour to be better."
He raised a finger and waggled it at Finn.
"You're not there. If you were there, if you were really a Sith like the Emperor or Kylo Ren, you think you'd be standing here telling me how badly you don't want to be one? You're strong enough because you know the price now, don't you. You know the stakes. And you're not alone, this time."
Finn... couldn't argue with his logic. It still didn't feel like the same sacrifices, but the idea of responsibility weighed heavy on him, a little too relatable.
But not all of Poe's logic stuck with him. For instance, he wasn't sure that anyone became part of the Sith because they wanted to. Despite everything that Maul was, Finn didn't entirely believe he initially wanted it. But who really knew?
All Finn really knew was that his path going forward wouldn't be without hardship and obstacles and pain. It wasn't just that he was afraid of going to the dark. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to resist the dark.
"I can't bring you into this."
He was already going back on all of those thoughts about avoiding isolation. He hadn't realized Poe would be so... unshakable. That he wouldn't even be a little afraid, that Finn wouldn't have to beg him to stay just a little longer. Poe was too willing to keep Finn in the light, and that was dangerous.
"Why?" he asked almost immediately then changed the question. "Why are you so stubborn?"
He'd have to get rid of him, his mind supplied. He'd have to somehow hurt Poe enough to shake him before any real damage could be done. But... no, that was wrong. Finn knew that was wrong. Pushing Poe away would make everything worse.
He'd probably get tired of him on his own, anyway.
Finn turned to lean his back against the wall and rub at his mess of a face. "You have no idea what this is. What I was. You can't just say things like that, Poe."
"I can say whatever I want," Poe said stubbornly, a frown set on his lips but his gaze steady.
"I know who you are. You can claim that I don't but this is the fourth version of you that I've known, Finn. You're a good man. One of the best of them. And I trust you with my life. You've only been proving that I should trust you, in the last five minutes. Stop trying to hurt yourself with this."
No answer about why he was so stubborn so that would have to remain a mystery.
Finn rubbed at his face again, the warmth in his chest betraying him. He wasn't a good man, and Poe shouldn't stay by him. But... if he wanted to stay (or at least manage to find) the light, he couldn't turn Poe away now.
He probably couldn't anyway without drastic measures.
After a long, quiet moment, Finn pushed away from the wall and went back to the couch, kneeling down in front of Poe instead of taking a seat. "Fine," he relented, looking serious and pensive rather than showing all of the affection glowing in his being. "But if I start going back - and you'll know if I'm going back - I need you to promise that you'll leave. Otherwise, this isn't going to work."
He wasn't totally sure he could trust Poe's word in this case, but the assurance would at least ease some of his guilt.
And more importantly: Finn was all he had, here. But he wasn't about to say it.
"Absolutely not," he said with a shake of his head. "If you slip up, I'm going to be there. And either I'll manage to pull you out of it, or I'll stop you myself. That is the only way this is going to work."
Finn stayed quiet for a second, considering the pros and cons of arguing. But it wasn't a bad deal. Whether Poe brought him back or killed him, he wouldn't go to the dark again and show Poe what he had really been like.
And Finn couldn't imagine ever hurting him, trying to stop him from ending him. There was still a risk if Poe didn't hold up his side of the deal but, at the moment, it was a risk he was willing to take. Probably stupid but-...
His eyes rose up to Poe again, still a bit damp but a lot less panicked. More resigned, maybe. "All right. I'll agree to that. Just don't forget your promise."
"I've got you," Poe promised, his voice dropping lower at the same moment his hand did, seeking out Finn's and squeezing it tightly.
"We've got each other, alright? And besides, it can't be all bad. Now you can lift any rocks that happen to fall on me." It's a weak joke, but he's trying.
Finn smiles at the weak joke but he doesn't exactly feel the humor. The only honest thing he does is rise up to sit next to Poe, gripping his hand tight again.
"Maybe try not to be under any falling rocks."
Another weak joke to fit the mood. Though his eyes are back to staring at nothing, he actually seems a bit better now. Finn takes a breath and wipes at his face again. "It's probably not a good idea to try going any further than I am." Aka, he's still terrified of himself. "But I do have two lightsabers. Maybe picking that up again won't be so bad."
Maybe.
His eyes meet Poe's. "I have to use it somehow. Do some sort of good with it. Make things right."
Finn watched him but was unsure that Poe could help with this. Beyond existing in the same reality with him, anyway, happy and safe.
"... Okay. We'll do this together." For now. It's not that he wanted to lose himself and end up hurting Poe. It just-... Mm.
He wished he had the same faith in himself that Poe apparently did. But he still didn't know everything. Didn't know Darth Martis or seen Zodiark or... any of it. So the faith was hard to believe but he would make himself believe it. "Thank you."
Finn probably could get rid of him but he didn't want to try. He also didn't want to let go.
"I-... I felt alone on Vaikuntha. I missed you and Rey so much. I think that-" That it made him weaker, more prone to the darkness in a frail attempt to protect what wasn't there. But that also felt like it was putting part of the blame on Poe and that wasn't fair.
"Being here with you helps a lot more than you could possibly know. If I do try to push you away, it isn't because I want you gone. I just want to keep you safe, that's all... But I'll try to keep you close, too."
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no subject
"You don't want to do it again, so you won't. You've done it before, so you know what not to do this time."
He was in full consolation mode, so he was carefully pushing every question he had far and away.
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But it'd be so much worse.
"I had-" Finn choked but swallowed and breathed through it. "I had a power in Vaikuntha almost no one else did. It was strong, strong enough to win wars, but it was... wrong. It hurt me every time I used it, made me wrong, so I tried not to, but-...
"I had Skywalker's lightsaber there and a few swordsmen showed me how to use it, but one day a Zabrak man showed up. He said he used to be Jedi during the Republic right before the Empire came into power. I started learning under him and became his apprentice, but he was lying to me. He was a Jedi before he became a Sith. His name was Darth Maul. And I believed everything he taught me because I wanted to, because the excuse that he said he was a Jedi was too convenient. He pushed me to use that darkness, and I kept going and-..."
And he helped destroy their home. Not of his own will, but his choices lead to it. If Finn hadn't gone down that path, none of it would have happened. And his name. The name threatened to make him sick, but he just squeezed Poe's hand harder.
Finn stared at the floor, looking right through it, panicking but almost coming off as weirdly calm. "I didn't have the Force then. Or... I didn't know I did... Maybe he knew... But I didn't have the Force and I still went to the Sith."
If he had been thinking clearly, he would expect to leave at the very least. Honestly, though? He kind of forgot the other man was there.
no subject
He couldn’t believe it. Not really. Not because he thought Finn was lying, but because he knew him. He knew Finn wouldn’t harm anyone unless it was to protect someone else. Knew that he loved completely and fiercely and would do anything for his friends. Maybe he just...
Maybe he’d loved this Darth Maul guy, too, he thought, his throat turning a little sour at the thought. Maybe he’d been blinded through that. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask, even the thought making his chest ache.
“He tricked you,” he said finally, quietly. “And if he was here, you wouldn’t do it again. Would you.”
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But it wasn't like what Poe thought. Or what Finn assumed Poe thought. "I wasn't lured there by Maul in the first place. I just... wanted to protect you, protect you and Rey. It had to be done fast, and that was the easiest way. No one else would do it, I didn't want anyone else to have to."
He was starting to get on a roll, starting to spiral and really panic. Finn pulled his hands away and stood, walking around the table and just steadily moving away as he spoke. "It was all excuses at the end. I was prepared to die, so I didn't care anymore. I became them, Poe. I became a Sith without the Force, and now it's here and I'm already messed up. I can't do this again. I can't hurt you. I know I'll hurt you this time--"
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"You wanted to protect the people you cared about, so you made some stupid choices. Got a lot of people hurt. Even people you loved. Is that what you're trying to say?"
He tilted his head a little bit.
"And you think if we've done it once, we're doomed to do it again?" The shift from 'you' to 'we' was a quiet one, but his expression said it more clearly than his words did.
He'd gotten so many people he cared about killed, because he thought it was for the best. He didn't have the excuse of the dark side of the force, or the sith. All he had to blame was himself.
no subject
But Poe continued, and Finn didn't miss the 'we,' though it took him a second to realize what that meant. Crait. The Raddus. Finn turned back to him, a tear track down one cheek forgotten. "That's different. I would have sacrificed people. I know I would have." But he hadn't, even when he boasted as much or got pressed into a corner. No, the only times he hurt innocents was when it wasn't even really him.
That didn't excuse Finn's blame in it, though. "You never had that intention. You never want to hurt anyone. It's different."
Because it had to be. Because Poe was the Light and he'd never be something like Finn was.
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He wasn't going to hear it excused. Not from Finn, not from anyone.
"And I got a lot more killed through ignorance and arrogance, too. If it's so different, you tell me exactly how. Because did you really go into it meaning to hurt people, or did it just seem like a necessary side effect of working for the cause?"
He let out a hard breath.
"We're not faultless, Finn. Those weren't even the first mistakes I've made, in my life, or the first time I've gotten people hurt. But the point is that you learn from them. And you decide never to let it happen again."
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No, he shook his head, starting to get angry. He couldn't let Poe draw that comparison. "That's war. They knew the stakes. You can't blame yourself for it. It can't be the same.
"But whatever mistakes we've made, you've learned from yours. What makes you think I'm strong enough not to go back? I feel it. It's already there- I'm already there."
A part of him knew what Poe was saying. That choosing a side was a choice, and Finn didn't have to make the same choices as before. Mistakes happen, and you have to move on. Finn thought he had moved on. This ability turning up just made those mistakes seem permanent, though, that there was no crawling out of the dark side for him.
In short, he was being stubborn and stupid and a lot like he had been before. Just making excuses.
no subject
"I should blame myself for it. It was my responsibility and I made a mistake. One that people I loved paid the price for. I have to blame myself for it, so that I never make that kind of mistake again. I won't forget it and I won't excuse it. All I can do is endeavour to be better."
He raised a finger and waggled it at Finn.
"You're not there. If you were there, if you were really a Sith like the Emperor or Kylo Ren, you think you'd be standing here telling me how badly you don't want to be one? You're strong enough because you know the price now, don't you. You know the stakes. And you're not alone, this time."
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But not all of Poe's logic stuck with him. For instance, he wasn't sure that anyone became part of the Sith because they wanted to. Despite everything that Maul was, Finn didn't entirely believe he initially wanted it. But who really knew?
All Finn really knew was that his path going forward wouldn't be without hardship and obstacles and pain. It wasn't just that he was afraid of going to the dark. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to resist the dark.
"I can't bring you into this."
He was already going back on all of those thoughts about avoiding isolation. He hadn't realized Poe would be so... unshakable. That he wouldn't even be a little afraid, that Finn wouldn't have to beg him to stay just a little longer. Poe was too willing to keep Finn in the light, and that was dangerous.
Keeping him safe came first, it always had.
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"I'm in it. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."
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He'd have to get rid of him, his mind supplied. He'd have to somehow hurt Poe enough to shake him before any real damage could be done. But... no, that was wrong. Finn knew that was wrong. Pushing Poe away would make everything worse.
He'd probably get tired of him on his own, anyway.
Finn turned to lean his back against the wall and rub at his mess of a face. "You have no idea what this is. What I was. You can't just say things like that, Poe."
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"I know who you are. You can claim that I don't but this is the fourth version of you that I've known, Finn. You're a good man. One of the best of them. And I trust you with my life. You've only been proving that I should trust you, in the last five minutes. Stop trying to hurt yourself with this."
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Finn rubbed at his face again, the warmth in his chest betraying him. He wasn't a good man, and Poe shouldn't stay by him. But... if he wanted to stay (or at least manage to find) the light, he couldn't turn Poe away now.
He probably couldn't anyway without drastic measures.
After a long, quiet moment, Finn pushed away from the wall and went back to the couch, kneeling down in front of Poe instead of taking a seat. "Fine," he relented, looking serious and pensive rather than showing all of the affection glowing in his being. "But if I start going back - and you'll know if I'm going back - I need you to promise that you'll leave. Otherwise, this isn't going to work."
He wasn't totally sure he could trust Poe's word in this case, but the assurance would at least ease some of his guilt.
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And more importantly: Finn was all he had, here. But he wasn't about to say it.
"Absolutely not," he said with a shake of his head. "If you slip up, I'm going to be there. And either I'll manage to pull you out of it, or I'll stop you myself. That is the only way this is going to work."
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And Finn couldn't imagine ever hurting him, trying to stop him from ending him. There was still a risk if Poe didn't hold up his side of the deal but, at the moment, it was a risk he was willing to take. Probably stupid but-...
His eyes rose up to Poe again, still a bit damp but a lot less panicked. More resigned, maybe. "All right. I'll agree to that. Just don't forget your promise."
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"You'd do the same for me, right? So, let's just make sure neither of us has to put the other in that place, okay?"
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But he couldn't say that. Finn just nodded. "Okay... I'm sorry, I'll-... Things will be better this time. With you here." He thinks.
He can already feel it but... he thinks.
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"We've got each other, alright? And besides, it can't be all bad. Now you can lift any rocks that happen to fall on me." It's a weak joke, but he's trying.
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"Maybe try not to be under any falling rocks."
Another weak joke to fit the mood. Though his eyes are back to staring at nothing, he actually seems a bit better now. Finn takes a breath and wipes at his face again. "It's probably not a good idea to try going any further than I am." Aka, he's still terrified of himself. "But I do have two lightsabers. Maybe picking that up again won't be so bad."
Maybe.
His eyes meet Poe's. "I have to use it somehow. Do some sort of good with it. Make things right."
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He gave Finn's hand a firm squeeze.
"So, do good with it. We can do good with it together, Finn. It doesn't have to be nothing but bleakness from here on out."
Even if Poe had no idea what to do with himself or where to go.
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"... Okay. We'll do this together." For now. It's not that he wanted to lose himself and end up hurting Poe. It just-... Mm.
He wished he had the same faith in himself that Poe apparently did. But he still didn't know everything. Didn't know Darth Martis or seen Zodiark or... any of it. So the faith was hard to believe but he would make himself believe it. "Thank you."
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He probably didn't need to keep holding Finn's hand like this, but, well, he wasn't going to let go until Finn did first.
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"I-... I felt alone on Vaikuntha. I missed you and Rey so much. I think that-" That it made him weaker, more prone to the darkness in a frail attempt to protect what wasn't there. But that also felt like it was putting part of the blame on Poe and that wasn't fair.
"Being here with you helps a lot more than you could possibly know. If I do try to push you away, it isn't because I want you gone. I just want to keep you safe, that's all... But I'll try to keep you close, too."