"Why?" he asked almost immediately then changed the question. "Why are you so stubborn?"
He'd have to get rid of him, his mind supplied. He'd have to somehow hurt Poe enough to shake him before any real damage could be done. But... no, that was wrong. Finn knew that was wrong. Pushing Poe away would make everything worse.
He'd probably get tired of him on his own, anyway.
Finn turned to lean his back against the wall and rub at his mess of a face. "You have no idea what this is. What I was. You can't just say things like that, Poe."
"I can say whatever I want," Poe said stubbornly, a frown set on his lips but his gaze steady.
"I know who you are. You can claim that I don't but this is the fourth version of you that I've known, Finn. You're a good man. One of the best of them. And I trust you with my life. You've only been proving that I should trust you, in the last five minutes. Stop trying to hurt yourself with this."
No answer about why he was so stubborn so that would have to remain a mystery.
Finn rubbed at his face again, the warmth in his chest betraying him. He wasn't a good man, and Poe shouldn't stay by him. But... if he wanted to stay (or at least manage to find) the light, he couldn't turn Poe away now.
He probably couldn't anyway without drastic measures.
After a long, quiet moment, Finn pushed away from the wall and went back to the couch, kneeling down in front of Poe instead of taking a seat. "Fine," he relented, looking serious and pensive rather than showing all of the affection glowing in his being. "But if I start going back - and you'll know if I'm going back - I need you to promise that you'll leave. Otherwise, this isn't going to work."
He wasn't totally sure he could trust Poe's word in this case, but the assurance would at least ease some of his guilt.
And more importantly: Finn was all he had, here. But he wasn't about to say it.
"Absolutely not," he said with a shake of his head. "If you slip up, I'm going to be there. And either I'll manage to pull you out of it, or I'll stop you myself. That is the only way this is going to work."
Finn stayed quiet for a second, considering the pros and cons of arguing. But it wasn't a bad deal. Whether Poe brought him back or killed him, he wouldn't go to the dark again and show Poe what he had really been like.
And Finn couldn't imagine ever hurting him, trying to stop him from ending him. There was still a risk if Poe didn't hold up his side of the deal but, at the moment, it was a risk he was willing to take. Probably stupid but-...
His eyes rose up to Poe again, still a bit damp but a lot less panicked. More resigned, maybe. "All right. I'll agree to that. Just don't forget your promise."
"I've got you," Poe promised, his voice dropping lower at the same moment his hand did, seeking out Finn's and squeezing it tightly.
"We've got each other, alright? And besides, it can't be all bad. Now you can lift any rocks that happen to fall on me." It's a weak joke, but he's trying.
Finn smiles at the weak joke but he doesn't exactly feel the humor. The only honest thing he does is rise up to sit next to Poe, gripping his hand tight again.
"Maybe try not to be under any falling rocks."
Another weak joke to fit the mood. Though his eyes are back to staring at nothing, he actually seems a bit better now. Finn takes a breath and wipes at his face again. "It's probably not a good idea to try going any further than I am." Aka, he's still terrified of himself. "But I do have two lightsabers. Maybe picking that up again won't be so bad."
Maybe.
His eyes meet Poe's. "I have to use it somehow. Do some sort of good with it. Make things right."
Finn watched him but was unsure that Poe could help with this. Beyond existing in the same reality with him, anyway, happy and safe.
"... Okay. We'll do this together." For now. It's not that he wanted to lose himself and end up hurting Poe. It just-... Mm.
He wished he had the same faith in himself that Poe apparently did. But he still didn't know everything. Didn't know Darth Martis or seen Zodiark or... any of it. So the faith was hard to believe but he would make himself believe it. "Thank you."
Finn probably could get rid of him but he didn't want to try. He also didn't want to let go.
"I-... I felt alone on Vaikuntha. I missed you and Rey so much. I think that-" That it made him weaker, more prone to the darkness in a frail attempt to protect what wasn't there. But that also felt like it was putting part of the blame on Poe and that wasn't fair.
"Being here with you helps a lot more than you could possibly know. If I do try to push you away, it isn't because I want you gone. I just want to keep you safe, that's all... But I'll try to keep you close, too."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
He'd have to get rid of him, his mind supplied. He'd have to somehow hurt Poe enough to shake him before any real damage could be done. But... no, that was wrong. Finn knew that was wrong. Pushing Poe away would make everything worse.
He'd probably get tired of him on his own, anyway.
Finn turned to lean his back against the wall and rub at his mess of a face. "You have no idea what this is. What I was. You can't just say things like that, Poe."
no subject
"I know who you are. You can claim that I don't but this is the fourth version of you that I've known, Finn. You're a good man. One of the best of them. And I trust you with my life. You've only been proving that I should trust you, in the last five minutes. Stop trying to hurt yourself with this."
no subject
Finn rubbed at his face again, the warmth in his chest betraying him. He wasn't a good man, and Poe shouldn't stay by him. But... if he wanted to stay (or at least manage to find) the light, he couldn't turn Poe away now.
He probably couldn't anyway without drastic measures.
After a long, quiet moment, Finn pushed away from the wall and went back to the couch, kneeling down in front of Poe instead of taking a seat. "Fine," he relented, looking serious and pensive rather than showing all of the affection glowing in his being. "But if I start going back - and you'll know if I'm going back - I need you to promise that you'll leave. Otherwise, this isn't going to work."
He wasn't totally sure he could trust Poe's word in this case, but the assurance would at least ease some of his guilt.
no subject
And more importantly: Finn was all he had, here. But he wasn't about to say it.
"Absolutely not," he said with a shake of his head. "If you slip up, I'm going to be there. And either I'll manage to pull you out of it, or I'll stop you myself. That is the only way this is going to work."
no subject
And Finn couldn't imagine ever hurting him, trying to stop him from ending him. There was still a risk if Poe didn't hold up his side of the deal but, at the moment, it was a risk he was willing to take. Probably stupid but-...
His eyes rose up to Poe again, still a bit damp but a lot less panicked. More resigned, maybe. "All right. I'll agree to that. Just don't forget your promise."
no subject
"You'd do the same for me, right? So, let's just make sure neither of us has to put the other in that place, okay?"
no subject
But he couldn't say that. Finn just nodded. "Okay... I'm sorry, I'll-... Things will be better this time. With you here." He thinks.
He can already feel it but... he thinks.
no subject
"We've got each other, alright? And besides, it can't be all bad. Now you can lift any rocks that happen to fall on me." It's a weak joke, but he's trying.
no subject
"Maybe try not to be under any falling rocks."
Another weak joke to fit the mood. Though his eyes are back to staring at nothing, he actually seems a bit better now. Finn takes a breath and wipes at his face again. "It's probably not a good idea to try going any further than I am." Aka, he's still terrified of himself. "But I do have two lightsabers. Maybe picking that up again won't be so bad."
Maybe.
His eyes meet Poe's. "I have to use it somehow. Do some sort of good with it. Make things right."
no subject
He gave Finn's hand a firm squeeze.
"So, do good with it. We can do good with it together, Finn. It doesn't have to be nothing but bleakness from here on out."
Even if Poe had no idea what to do with himself or where to go.
no subject
"... Okay. We'll do this together." For now. It's not that he wanted to lose himself and end up hurting Poe. It just-... Mm.
He wished he had the same faith in himself that Poe apparently did. But he still didn't know everything. Didn't know Darth Martis or seen Zodiark or... any of it. So the faith was hard to believe but he would make himself believe it. "Thank you."
no subject
He probably didn't need to keep holding Finn's hand like this, but, well, he wasn't going to let go until Finn did first.
no subject
"I-... I felt alone on Vaikuntha. I missed you and Rey so much. I think that-" That it made him weaker, more prone to the darkness in a frail attempt to protect what wasn't there. But that also felt like it was putting part of the blame on Poe and that wasn't fair.
"Being here with you helps a lot more than you could possibly know. If I do try to push you away, it isn't because I want you gone. I just want to keep you safe, that's all... But I'll try to keep you close, too."