lina_musebox

;poe

Sex Pollen Pre Relationship
Poe Dies Pre Relationship
Nightmare Early Relationship
Hogwarts AU Pre Relationship
Poe Almost Dies Pre Relationship
MoM AU First Night
Slightly Older Hogwarts AU
Post-TLJ
Bodyguard and Prince AU; overflow
Massage Pre Relationship
Oblivious Poe AU
Cyborg Poe AU
MoM AU Sex Pollen
FO Infiltration Sex Ring
TFLN
Soulmate Tattoo AU
Finn Marries Someone Else AU
Evil Finn AU; overflow: 1, 2
MoM AU Poe 10 Yrs Older
Vamp/Were AU
Missing for a Year/Telepathy AU
MoM AU Poe 'canon' updated
Dark Possessive AU
Married on Yavin AU
MoM AU Sexy Outfits
MoM AU Subway Sex
MoM AU with Melodies!Finn; overflow
MoM AU Photo-Op Kiss
Nearly Old Men AU
MoM AU Rule 63
Online Dating AU
MoM AU Poe Lost His In-Game Memories; overflow
Trans Poe AU
College Roommate AU
TIE Pilot/Prostitute AU
MoM AU Finn Returns from Port-Out
MoM AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Canon AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Shape Shifter AU; timeskip
FO Sexual Torture AU
MoM AU Finn Has a Boyfriend
Hades AU Finn Left Alone
MoM AU Apocalypse
MoM AU Poe Died in Canon
Canon AU Handjob in a Hospital (inspiration)
MoM AU Another Apocalypse
WWI Pen-Pal/Love Letters AU
Institutionalized Prostitution AU
MoM AU Body Swap
Post-TROS Victory Party

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It took everything in him to walk past Finn and not reach out. It wasn't even a sexual desire. He so badly wanted to touch Finn, to solidify his reality and ground himself, but he didn't trust himself. So even though his hand almost slipped out to reach for him, he clenched his fist and pulled it back as he climbed into the pilot chair instead, and began to flip switches.

He needed to get them home.

Finn just watched him for a second, not knowing what he should do. Hiding in his bunk again was an option, but... he didn't want to do that. Not with them like this.

"You said before that you love me," he eventually said. "Do you?"

He knew that Poe did in his own way. Just needed him to remember and know it wasn't all bad. They could do this together.

"Yes." The response was automatic. After a few more switches, the ship came out of hyperspace, nothing around it but darkness and stars.

He turned his head to look at Finn, his lips a thin line.

"I love you so much it hurts."

Finn... could relate. Sometimes, it felt like it was just pain.

After a quiet moment, he replied with a simple but quiet: "I love you, too." Was it really love if it hurt this much? Was it really love if he was scared?

Maybe not everyone else's definition, but Finn knew how he felt.

It should feel good. It should.

But Poe was trying to pull his own world down, and the idea of Finn getting caught in the rubble was terrifying. His heart fluttered in his throat and a surge of desire hit him hard. All he wanted to do was give up all of this second guessing and worry and just stride across the room, push Finn to the wall and kiss him deeply--

His lips were already parted and he shut them, quickly.

"I'm going to protect you, Finn," was all he could bring himself to say as he turned back to his controls.

Even if it was from himself.

With Poe looking away, he was free to shift as much as he wanted. It took a bit of courage, but he finally spoke up. "I don't need protection."

That was one of the things Poe had wanted before. To protect Finn, to be the only one to make him happy, that sort of thing. He didn't want that, not to such a hard degree.

"I just need respect. I need your trust."

"You're not the one I don't trust, right now." There was a slight edge to his voice, but he didn't know how to make Finn take his meaning. Of course he respected Finn. Trusted him. At least for some things.

Finn wasn't the problem, here.

Right, okay. Finn took a deep breath. He had to get through to him. "Trust me to know what I want. Trust me to know when I can trust you and when I can't."

Lightly, he stepped forward, making enough noise so that Poe knew what he was doing. "I trust you right now."

Poe stilled, watching Finn as he approached, his muscles tense and his gaze alert.

“So you trust me,” he said slowly. “But what is it that you want?”

There were so many things he wanted, so many things he felt he shouldn't have or was better off without. Then there were things he wasn't even sure he didn't want anymore. It was all so confusing, making Poe's question loaded when it shouldn't have been.

"I... want you to be okay. I want us to go slow and learn to talk to each other and-... I don't want to give up on us."

But he should. Was he crazy? Was his dream right? He shouldn't even be around Poe, would just make everything worse and keep him in this spiral when he clearly wanted out.

"If you don't want to be with me, I understand. But if you do, then I want to try it. Take things slowly, you know?"

"That's not it," He insisted, getting up out of his seat and taking a step toward Finn without even noticing. When he caught himself, he halted, conflicted.

"Finn, of course I want to be with you. Of course I do. But I don't - I don't know what that means, when you say take it slow. Do you not -- Doesn't it feel like your blood is burning you whenever you're around me? Because I can hardly sit still even just looking at you."

His blood did burn around Poe. Just for an entirely different reason. His skin crawled, not in fear of Poe but disgust of himself, just wanting to leap right off his body.

Some of him wanted to find a compromise, to keep doing what they were doing with rules he knew Poe would break. The rest of him... just wanted to stay away from sex until he could at least stand the thought of it again.

"I want you, too," he answered simply enough, letting all the air in his lungs and looking down at the floor between them. "I want to touch you and comfort you and be next to you but I- After-..." He didn't know how to say it. It should be easier to admit to the person who did this to him. "I don't want more than that. Not right now."

“... I don’t know how to do that,” he said, his voice low. “And you shouldn’t trust me to try it.”

He took another step back until the backs of his knees hit the chair, and then sat down heavily.

“Touching me isn’t going to comfort me, Finn. It’s only going to tempt me.”

It couldn't be one or the other. Finn couldn't accept not having Poe at all or allowing himself to be used like that. There had to be a middle ground.

"You can control yourself. I know you can. You don't want to hurt me or do something that I don't want or- or-... You want us as much as I do. I know you'll do everything you can to make it happen.

"That's what you wanted, right? Take care of me? Make me happy? This is how."

Poe grimaced like he was stung and took a deep breath.

He still didn’t really know what Finn wanted him to do, how he wanted him to be, but there wasn’t anything for it. The only other options were to leave him completely, or to finish what he started the way he started it. Break Finn.

It was far too long before he replied. “I’ll try.”

"I'll help," Finn promised, finding the thought of letting go to be a difficult one. "For now, we'll just... be like how we were before and take things slow. You'll see. It'll be easy once we figure it out."

That was hope talking. No matter how much he wanted Poe, they had to do it like this first. They had to, no matter what the rest of him thought he needed.

It'll be easy, Finn had said, and a week later Poe thought he'd never heard a more wrong sentence in his life. He'd managed to put the breaks on, sure, and like he suspected, it was easier to do that once they weren't alone anymore. Back on base he had plenty of opportunity to be near Finn without Finn being the only one in the room, and he was starting to relax.

At least part of him was.

But a lot of him was longing for Finn. Being near him but unable to touch him was far more unbearable now that he knew what taking Finn felt like than he had when it was a slow baking fantasy. And seeing anyone near him was driving Poe crazy. It didn't help that even if he wanted a minute alone with Finn, he didn't seem able to get it. Or that if he could get a minute alone he was almost too scared to take it.

It was driving him mad.

Which is why when they were working in the hangar - both stripped down to greasy tank-tops and rolled up pants, Poe could barely keep his eyes off of Finn. The slight sheen of sweat, the mark of grease across his brow from where he'd rubbed the back of his hand over it... Poe felt like he was going to explode.

So if he was staring openly and hungrily, who cared?

"I think you might have an admirer," one of the techs working with Finn said under her breath, leaning in with a smirk. "I think he's done more watching you than watching his own work in the last four hours. You want me to throw a wrench at him?"

Finn thought that once they were out of the ship, the nightmare of their time on it would leave him behind, literally like a dream. But it didn't. It lingered. He thankfully hadn't seen the ship at all since they had gotten back to base but he was almost certain it wouldn't matter. Everything in his mind was still a mess, his feelings still longing for something he couldn't reach.

The guilt and shame clung to him, making it nearly impossible to sleep.

Then there was Poe, the real Poe who he didn't want to give up on. But Finn needed time to recenter himself, time away from him, but he couldn't really afford that. He could always feel Poe's eyes on him, whether the other man was there or not. A part of Finn liked it and he despised himself a little more.

After a week of hardly anything going on between them, he began to wonder if he should relent. Just a little, just enough to show he was also giving something away for their... relationship. They both had to work at this, right? And he would never know if they were going to grow in their sex lives if he never touched the subject again. Besides, maybe the reality of Poe holding back would help ease Finn's nightmares.

Never mind the fact that he still desperately wanted him... and hated it.

He was thinking on just that, mind away while his hands stayed busy when a tech came over to smirk about the situation. Finn looked up to him but didn't bother looking back at Poe. He already knew. It hadn't been intentional, but he knew. "No, no," Finn shook his head, glancing between this work and the tech. Despite himself, he couldn't help a tiny smile. Poe was doing good in restraint, at least. He did deserve something. "We're almost done here, anyway. Thanks, though. I'll let you know if I need a wrench thrown across the room."

"Alright," The tech replied, amused, giving Finn one last glance before wandering off.

It took everything in Poe's power not to lob something at their head for talking to him in the first place. He didn't catch what was said, but the only reason he wasn't beside himself with fury right now was the fact that Finn had sent them packing pretty quickly. A surge of possessive affection welled in him, and he finished what he was working only to step over to where Finn was.

"Coming along okay?" He wanted his voice to be casual but there was a low, questioning edge to it that he couldn't quite erase.

Finn glanced up at him, noticing not for the first time how striking Poe looked out here like this. He tried to keep his mind on it instead of forcefully turning away from that desire. Poe deserved something from him, right?

But maybe not right now. Poe was asking something, and Finn wasn't sure what it was really about. The tech, most likely. Finn feigned ignorance and glanced back to his work. "Yeah, it's good. Just-" He finished up the last few things in hardly a few seconds, replacing the panel. "Done... You okay?"

That look. He knew that look. He was hit with a sudden clarity of focus: Finn wanted it.

No. No, Poe. Finn doesn't want that, from you. Not - not from you, not like this, not even if he's begging you to fuck him with his eyes--

He swallowed, roughly. "Yeah. Yeah, I - I'm fine. Just wanted to know if you wanted to go somewhere and...." He wet his lips. "... Eat something."

He could see it plain as day, how controlled Poe was being. For anyone else, it would be ridiculous, but for Poe- This was huge for him, a big step, and Finn wanted to reinforce that so much.

"Yeah," he answered but, uh- "Actually... I thought we could talk somewhere. You have a minute?"

"Yes," Poe replied immediately, something like hope starting to flare in his chest. 'Something' being the operative word, because really, it was just an awful lot of lust.

"Now?"

"Now," Finn answered, jerking his head to doors that led outside the hanger. He would ask if Poe didn't really mind, but that 'yes' was all he really needed.

He led the way, thinking that was a stupid idea and dumb thing to do in a supply closet, but he didn't want to do this in either of their rooms. Couldn't stand the thought of ruining his room like that for himself. It was a safe place, away from this sort of thing.

As soon as the thought entered, he realized that this was a bad idea but swallowed down the fear. If he wanted them to become anything in the future, he had to get out of his comfort zone.

So, yeah, he led Poe to a supply closet, thankful that no one was around to see how obvious this was. "Just wanted to talk," he firmly reiterated... but- "For now."

He was already half hard, by the time they got into the closet.

Just wanted to talk, Finn said, and it took everything in him not to reply 'No you don't' immediately. He had to literally bite down on his tongue.

"Alright," He said instead, the restraint tight in his voice. "... What... did you want to talk about?"

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t-t-time skip

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