;poe

[hatejakku]

Sex Pollen Pre Relationship
Poe Dies Pre Relationship
Nightmare Early Relationship
Hogwarts AU Pre Relationship
Poe Almost Dies Pre Relationship
MoM AU First Night
Slightly Older Hogwarts AU
Post-TLJ
Bodyguard and Prince AU; overflow
Massage Pre Relationship
Oblivious Poe AU
Cyborg Poe AU
MoM AU Sex Pollen
FO Infiltration Sex Ring
TFLN
Soulmate Tattoo AU
Finn Marries Someone Else AU
Evil Finn AU; overflow: 1, 2
MoM AU Poe 10 Yrs Older
Vamp/Were AU
Missing for a Year/Telepathy AU
MoM AU Poe 'canon' updated
Dark Possessive AU
Married on Yavin AU
MoM AU Sexy Outfits
MoM AU Subway Sex
MoM AU with Melodies!Finn; overflow
MoM AU Photo-Op Kiss
Nearly Old Men AU
MoM AU Rule 63
Online Dating AU
MoM AU Poe Lost His In-Game Memories; overflow
Trans Poe AU
College Roommate AU
TIE Pilot/Prostitute AU
MoM AU Finn Returns from Port-Out
MoM AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Canon AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Shape Shifter AU; timeskip
FO Sexual Torture AU
MoM AU Finn Has a Boyfriend
Hades AU Finn Left Alone
MoM AU Apocalypse
MoM AU Poe Died in Canon
Canon AU Handjob in a Hospital (inspiration)
MoM AU Another Apocalypse
WWI Pen-Pal/Love Letters AU
Institutionalized Prostitution AU
MoM AU Body Swap
Post-TROS Victory Party

Comments

[hatejakku]

The word probably should have hurt but it didn't. Finn's hand closed, feeling like that was the wrong move, overall. Instead, he stood up and took his own careful, slow step forward. It wasn't a lot, didn't close much distance, and was about the best distance he could handle by doing it himself.

So Finn stood there and leaned against the wall. "You know you're not broken," he repeated again, quietly. "Right? You're hurt. We're just hurt."

They can be fixed. They can heal. Nothing was ever really broken.

[flightforfreedom]

Poe swallowed, unsure he could really agree with that. He almost stepped back when Finn stepped toward him, but somehow managed to stand his ground.

"I think we should go back," he said tightly, avoiding answering the question. "Get... get separated."

Even the words are hard to say.

[hatejakku]

He didn't realize Poe's real meaning...

But that- That was a painful idea but was probably the best option. Finn didn't want it but he knew he should. He should want to get away from Poe.

He swallows and doesn't reply for a moment.

"... I meant what I said. Last night. How I felt..." Wasn't totally sure it was okay to say again, though, like this. But he skipped over that, grabbing on to his own arm, too. "I want you to be okay. To find help or whatever you need. I want to help, too... If you think I could help by just being away--"

Maybe the underlying issue was with him. Maybe he did want all of that, made Poe dig up his past traumas, made him do this to them both. Maybe he was the catalyst and forced it all to happen. Wouldn't be the first time something catastrophic was his fault.

[flightforfreedom]

"I don't know if it will help," Poe replied, bluntly. "But I refuse to hurt you. And I am. So. If I can't be trusted to be around you, I shouldn't be. End of story."

He still couldn't actually look at Finn while he said it, and his voice sounded as broken as his heart.

It also didn't sound like something he fully believed. It was something he was trying to tell himself but couldn't fully commit to. Couldn't completely understand why this wasn't okay, just that somehow it wasn't. He didn't want Finn hurt. He didn't want Finn to hate him. And since he didn't know what he was doing to do it...

"I don't know how to - I only know how to do it this way."

[hatejakku]

Finn shifted his footing, wanting to get closer but knowing better. This conversation was entirely too difficult, made worse by his own muddled, confused feelings. He bit his lip, took a few breaths, and kept trying.

"You never wanted to hurt me. Knowing that you're this scared to do it, tells me that you won't again. Just-... All you have to do is listen to me, that's all. Then it'll be okay."

No, not okay. "It'll be better."

[flightforfreedom]

"I'm not built to listen," he said, breathing hard.

"I'm not-- I don't know if I can. Because you say things but I hear something else. You say you don't want something, but I - I know you do, the same way I know what way a ship will move when I alter the controls, or how to catch a thermal. Your mouth and your body say completely different things and I can't be trusted to know which one to listen to."

[hatejakku]

And Finn had wanted him. Poe wasn't wrong, this was his fault.

His grip rises to his bicep, hugging himself across his chest. "Just because you think you know something doesn't mean you have to act. All you ever needed is my permission."

He shifted again. "All that about... wanting to be taken and stuff- We'll deal with that later. Just, for now, permission. For everything. That's all."

Yeah. Easy.

[flightforfreedom]

Poe looked very uncertain, but he was actively fighting the very strong desire to just take the easy route. Give in. Agree. Probably end up breaking the promise anyway.

“Permission,” he repeated, warily. “And you really think that would be enough to stop you from- from being afraid of me?”

[hatejakku]

Finn started to shift in place again but stopped himself short. He had to seem more sure of himself than this.

"You never wanted to hurt me," Finn said again, knowing that truth deeply. "What I fear is-... That'll just take time to build back. It'll be enough, yes. You never actually hurt me."

He had. Not physically or intentionally, but he had. Finn could ignore that, though, pretend it wasn't really there. He was fine. He was much more better off than Poe.

[flightforfreedom]

Poe looked decidedly skeptical, and turned his head to look away.

"I'm not sure about that." Physically, maybe. Otherwise?

He knew what someone looked like when they were wounded.

He also knew part of the point of the Admiral's methods were to wound. He had just tried not to think about them.

"... I need to step past you to get to the controls and change course." If he had to ask permission, he was going to do it for everything, just because he didn't really know what needed it and what didn't. "May I do that?"

[hatejakku]

Finn was afraid, sure - he could admit it to a certain point - but his love would always win out. He would always keep trying to help so long as he knew Poe needed it. And he was about to ensure as much when Poe spoke again and the words died.

It really didn't matter what he said, anyway. Actions spoke louder... That could be the phrase to sum up this whole thing, he figured.

Finn nodded, bowing his head and stepping back, not sure if Poe asked to get permission or if he wanted to be that far away from him. Both, probably. Both had reasonable standing. Either way, he didn't speak up for the moment.

[flightforfreedom]

It took everything in him to walk past Finn and not reach out. It wasn't even a sexual desire. He so badly wanted to touch Finn, to solidify his reality and ground himself, but he didn't trust himself. So even though his hand almost slipped out to reach for him, he clenched his fist and pulled it back as he climbed into the pilot chair instead, and began to flip switches.

He needed to get them home.

[hatejakku]

Finn just watched him for a second, not knowing what he should do. Hiding in his bunk again was an option, but... he didn't want to do that. Not with them like this.

"You said before that you love me," he eventually said. "Do you?"

He knew that Poe did in his own way. Just needed him to remember and know it wasn't all bad. They could do this together.

[flightforfreedom]

"Yes." The response was automatic. After a few more switches, the ship came out of hyperspace, nothing around it but darkness and stars.

He turned his head to look at Finn, his lips a thin line.

"I love you so much it hurts."

[hatejakku]

Finn... could relate. Sometimes, it felt like it was just pain.

After a quiet moment, he replied with a simple but quiet: "I love you, too." Was it really love if it hurt this much? Was it really love if he was scared?

Maybe not everyone else's definition, but Finn knew how he felt.

[flightforfreedom]

It should feel good. It should.

But Poe was trying to pull his own world down, and the idea of Finn getting caught in the rubble was terrifying. His heart fluttered in his throat and a surge of desire hit him hard. All he wanted to do was give up all of this second guessing and worry and just stride across the room, push Finn to the wall and kiss him deeply--

His lips were already parted and he shut them, quickly.

"I'm going to protect you, Finn," was all he could bring himself to say as he turned back to his controls.

Even if it was from himself.

[hatejakku]

With Poe looking away, he was free to shift as much as he wanted. It took a bit of courage, but he finally spoke up. "I don't need protection."

That was one of the things Poe had wanted before. To protect Finn, to be the only one to make him happy, that sort of thing. He didn't want that, not to such a hard degree.

"I just need respect. I need your trust."

[flightforfreedom]

"You're not the one I don't trust, right now." There was a slight edge to his voice, but he didn't know how to make Finn take his meaning. Of course he respected Finn. Trusted him. At least for some things.

Finn wasn't the problem, here.

[hatejakku]

Right, okay. Finn took a deep breath. He had to get through to him. "Trust me to know what I want. Trust me to know when I can trust you and when I can't."

Lightly, he stepped forward, making enough noise so that Poe knew what he was doing. "I trust you right now."

[flightforfreedom]

Poe stilled, watching Finn as he approached, his muscles tense and his gaze alert.

“So you trust me,” he said slowly. “But what is it that you want?”

[hatejakku]

There were so many things he wanted, so many things he felt he shouldn't have or was better off without. Then there were things he wasn't even sure he didn't want anymore. It was all so confusing, making Poe's question loaded when it shouldn't have been.

"I... want you to be okay. I want us to go slow and learn to talk to each other and-... I don't want to give up on us."

But he should. Was he crazy? Was his dream right? He shouldn't even be around Poe, would just make everything worse and keep him in this spiral when he clearly wanted out.

"If you don't want to be with me, I understand. But if you do, then I want to try it. Take things slowly, you know?"

[flightforfreedom]

"That's not it," He insisted, getting up out of his seat and taking a step toward Finn without even noticing. When he caught himself, he halted, conflicted.

"Finn, of course I want to be with you. Of course I do. But I don't - I don't know what that means, when you say take it slow. Do you not -- Doesn't it feel like your blood is burning you whenever you're around me? Because I can hardly sit still even just looking at you."

[hatejakku]

His blood did burn around Poe. Just for an entirely different reason. His skin crawled, not in fear of Poe but disgust of himself, just wanting to leap right off his body.

Some of him wanted to find a compromise, to keep doing what they were doing with rules he knew Poe would break. The rest of him... just wanted to stay away from sex until he could at least stand the thought of it again.

"I want you, too," he answered simply enough, letting all the air in his lungs and looking down at the floor between them. "I want to touch you and comfort you and be next to you but I- After-..." He didn't know how to say it. It should be easier to admit to the person who did this to him. "I don't want more than that. Not right now."

[flightforfreedom]

“... I don’t know how to do that,” he said, his voice low. “And you shouldn’t trust me to try it.”

He took another step back until the backs of his knees hit the chair, and then sat down heavily.

“Touching me isn’t going to comfort me, Finn. It’s only going to tempt me.”

[hatejakku]

It couldn't be one or the other. Finn couldn't accept not having Poe at all or allowing himself to be used like that. There had to be a middle ground.

"You can control yourself. I know you can. You don't want to hurt me or do something that I don't want or- or-... You want us as much as I do. I know you'll do everything you can to make it happen.

"That's what you wanted, right? Take care of me? Make me happy? This is how."