lina_musebox

;poe

Sex Pollen Pre Relationship
Poe Dies Pre Relationship
Nightmare Early Relationship
Hogwarts AU Pre Relationship
Poe Almost Dies Pre Relationship
MoM AU First Night
Slightly Older Hogwarts AU
Post-TLJ
Bodyguard and Prince AU; overflow
Massage Pre Relationship
Oblivious Poe AU
Cyborg Poe AU
MoM AU Sex Pollen
FO Infiltration Sex Ring
TFLN
Soulmate Tattoo AU
Finn Marries Someone Else AU
Evil Finn AU; overflow: 1, 2
MoM AU Poe 10 Yrs Older
Vamp/Were AU
Missing for a Year/Telepathy AU
MoM AU Poe 'canon' updated
Dark Possessive AU
Married on Yavin AU
MoM AU Sexy Outfits
MoM AU Subway Sex
MoM AU with Melodies!Finn; overflow
MoM AU Photo-Op Kiss
Nearly Old Men AU
MoM AU Rule 63
Online Dating AU
MoM AU Poe Lost His In-Game Memories; overflow
Trans Poe AU
College Roommate AU
TIE Pilot/Prostitute AU
MoM AU Finn Returns from Port-Out
MoM AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Canon AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Shape Shifter AU; timeskip
FO Sexual Torture AU
MoM AU Finn Has a Boyfriend
Hades AU Finn Left Alone
MoM AU Apocalypse
MoM AU Poe Died in Canon
Canon AU Handjob in a Hospital (inspiration)
MoM AU Another Apocalypse
WWI Pen-Pal/Love Letters AU
Institutionalized Prostitution AU
MoM AU Body Swap
Post-TROS Victory Party

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The dream had subsided, most of it almost forgotten save for the sharp cuts into his chest. Finn kept rubbing at the phantom pain, its meaning weighing heavily on him. He tried to grapple with why he had dreamed that, wondering if that really was what he wanted. It was playing tricks with his mind.

The voice startled him, but Finn did little more than jump and turn towards the source. "I'm here," he answered just as quietly, worried.

The dream was just that, a dream. The real Poe cared enough about him to not want to hurt him, to want to give everything he thought Finn wanted. Nothing was going to happen... Finn swallowed and tried not to worry more.

The door was open, but that didn't seem to matter - Poe came to a stop outside the doorway and didn't try to enter it.

He only moved far enough to be able to see Finn, and then halted, going no further.

The dread and fear made his blood run cold, even if he couldn't quite figure out why.

"You were crying out, last night," he murmured, resisting the urge to get closer.

Ah. Finn frowned. Of course, that's how Poe knew something was wrong. He scrubbed at one eye, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry if I woke you." Unless he was talking, too, Poe didn't know what his dream was about. As far as Finn was concerned, he didn't need to know.

A subject change was in order. "How are you feeling? After... yesterday?"

Poe didn't have to know what it had been about. Finn had literally run from him - at his insistence - and then locked himself in his room.

It didn't matter what was in Finn's nightmares, Poe knew who had caused them.

He raised a hand to squeeze at his opposite arm, turning his head to look off somewhere else entirely. He'd had a long night, while Finn was sleeping, and his head had been going a million miles a minute. He'd only really come to one conclusion, but it was a big one:

"... I think there's something really wrong with me."

Finn was shocked at the admittance for a second before his eyes widened and he realized exactly what was happening. Their talk yesterday, the breakdown, it was coming to a head. It was working.

Hope swelled inside his heart, filling the cracks and seeping into the tissue, much of it never to be shaken free again.

He licked his lips and held out a hand, not moving from his spot. "Come here?" He should be the one controlling how near and far they were, but Poe was vulnerable right now, too. Finn wanted to be next to him but was scared to do it for so many reasons. It'd be easier if Poe did it for him.

As soon as he realized what the thought sounded like, he shoved it away.

He took a step forward before he realised what he was doing and stopped dead in his tracks. He stepped back again, shaking his head.

"No." He didn't trust himself to be near Finn right now. Everything was still a lot, and he felt like if he wasn't always constantly watching himself, he'd fall into something he couldn't pull himself back out of.

He had a choice, right now. He could have what he wanted - what he so desperately, desperately wanted - or he could stop himself from making Finn into something like him.

He didn't know what he was, exactly, but the look on Finn's face yesterday had made it clear that whatever it was, it was horrifying and disgusting.

The word probably should have hurt but it didn't. Finn's hand closed, feeling like that was the wrong move, overall. Instead, he stood up and took his own careful, slow step forward. It wasn't a lot, didn't close much distance, and was about the best distance he could handle by doing it himself.

So Finn stood there and leaned against the wall. "You know you're not broken," he repeated again, quietly. "Right? You're hurt. We're just hurt."

They can be fixed. They can heal. Nothing was ever really broken.

Poe swallowed, unsure he could really agree with that. He almost stepped back when Finn stepped toward him, but somehow managed to stand his ground.

"I think we should go back," he said tightly, avoiding answering the question. "Get... get separated."

Even the words are hard to say.

He didn't realize Poe's real meaning...

But that- That was a painful idea but was probably the best option. Finn didn't want it but he knew he should. He should want to get away from Poe.

He swallows and doesn't reply for a moment.

"... I meant what I said. Last night. How I felt..." Wasn't totally sure it was okay to say again, though, like this. But he skipped over that, grabbing on to his own arm, too. "I want you to be okay. To find help or whatever you need. I want to help, too... If you think I could help by just being away--"

Maybe the underlying issue was with him. Maybe he did want all of that, made Poe dig up his past traumas, made him do this to them both. Maybe he was the catalyst and forced it all to happen. Wouldn't be the first time something catastrophic was his fault.

"I don't know if it will help," Poe replied, bluntly. "But I refuse to hurt you. And I am. So. If I can't be trusted to be around you, I shouldn't be. End of story."

He still couldn't actually look at Finn while he said it, and his voice sounded as broken as his heart.

It also didn't sound like something he fully believed. It was something he was trying to tell himself but couldn't fully commit to. Couldn't completely understand why this wasn't okay, just that somehow it wasn't. He didn't want Finn hurt. He didn't want Finn to hate him. And since he didn't know what he was doing to do it...

"I don't know how to - I only know how to do it this way."

Finn shifted his footing, wanting to get closer but knowing better. This conversation was entirely too difficult, made worse by his own muddled, confused feelings. He bit his lip, took a few breaths, and kept trying.

"You never wanted to hurt me. Knowing that you're this scared to do it, tells me that you won't again. Just-... All you have to do is listen to me, that's all. Then it'll be okay."

No, not okay. "It'll be better."

"I'm not built to listen," he said, breathing hard.

"I'm not-- I don't know if I can. Because you say things but I hear something else. You say you don't want something, but I - I know you do, the same way I know what way a ship will move when I alter the controls, or how to catch a thermal. Your mouth and your body say completely different things and I can't be trusted to know which one to listen to."

And Finn had wanted him. Poe wasn't wrong, this was his fault.

His grip rises to his bicep, hugging himself across his chest. "Just because you think you know something doesn't mean you have to act. All you ever needed is my permission."

He shifted again. "All that about... wanting to be taken and stuff- We'll deal with that later. Just, for now, permission. For everything. That's all."

Yeah. Easy.

Poe looked very uncertain, but he was actively fighting the very strong desire to just take the easy route. Give in. Agree. Probably end up breaking the promise anyway.

“Permission,” he repeated, warily. “And you really think that would be enough to stop you from- from being afraid of me?”

Finn started to shift in place again but stopped himself short. He had to seem more sure of himself than this.

"You never wanted to hurt me," Finn said again, knowing that truth deeply. "What I fear is-... That'll just take time to build back. It'll be enough, yes. You never actually hurt me."

He had. Not physically or intentionally, but he had. Finn could ignore that, though, pretend it wasn't really there. He was fine. He was much more better off than Poe.

Poe looked decidedly skeptical, and turned his head to look away.

"I'm not sure about that." Physically, maybe. Otherwise?

He knew what someone looked like when they were wounded.

He also knew part of the point of the Admiral's methods were to wound. He had just tried not to think about them.

"... I need to step past you to get to the controls and change course." If he had to ask permission, he was going to do it for everything, just because he didn't really know what needed it and what didn't. "May I do that?"

Finn was afraid, sure - he could admit it to a certain point - but his love would always win out. He would always keep trying to help so long as he knew Poe needed it. And he was about to ensure as much when Poe spoke again and the words died.

It really didn't matter what he said, anyway. Actions spoke louder... That could be the phrase to sum up this whole thing, he figured.

Finn nodded, bowing his head and stepping back, not sure if Poe asked to get permission or if he wanted to be that far away from him. Both, probably. Both had reasonable standing. Either way, he didn't speak up for the moment.

It took everything in him to walk past Finn and not reach out. It wasn't even a sexual desire. He so badly wanted to touch Finn, to solidify his reality and ground himself, but he didn't trust himself. So even though his hand almost slipped out to reach for him, he clenched his fist and pulled it back as he climbed into the pilot chair instead, and began to flip switches.

He needed to get them home.

Finn just watched him for a second, not knowing what he should do. Hiding in his bunk again was an option, but... he didn't want to do that. Not with them like this.

"You said before that you love me," he eventually said. "Do you?"

He knew that Poe did in his own way. Just needed him to remember and know it wasn't all bad. They could do this together.

"Yes." The response was automatic. After a few more switches, the ship came out of hyperspace, nothing around it but darkness and stars.

He turned his head to look at Finn, his lips a thin line.

"I love you so much it hurts."

Finn... could relate. Sometimes, it felt like it was just pain.

After a quiet moment, he replied with a simple but quiet: "I love you, too." Was it really love if it hurt this much? Was it really love if he was scared?

Maybe not everyone else's definition, but Finn knew how he felt.

It should feel good. It should.

But Poe was trying to pull his own world down, and the idea of Finn getting caught in the rubble was terrifying. His heart fluttered in his throat and a surge of desire hit him hard. All he wanted to do was give up all of this second guessing and worry and just stride across the room, push Finn to the wall and kiss him deeply--

His lips were already parted and he shut them, quickly.

"I'm going to protect you, Finn," was all he could bring himself to say as he turned back to his controls.

Even if it was from himself.

With Poe looking away, he was free to shift as much as he wanted. It took a bit of courage, but he finally spoke up. "I don't need protection."

That was one of the things Poe had wanted before. To protect Finn, to be the only one to make him happy, that sort of thing. He didn't want that, not to such a hard degree.

"I just need respect. I need your trust."

"You're not the one I don't trust, right now." There was a slight edge to his voice, but he didn't know how to make Finn take his meaning. Of course he respected Finn. Trusted him. At least for some things.

Finn wasn't the problem, here.

Right, okay. Finn took a deep breath. He had to get through to him. "Trust me to know what I want. Trust me to know when I can trust you and when I can't."

Lightly, he stepped forward, making enough noise so that Poe knew what he was doing. "I trust you right now."

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