lina_musebox

;poe

Sex Pollen Pre Relationship
Poe Dies Pre Relationship
Nightmare Early Relationship
Hogwarts AU Pre Relationship
Poe Almost Dies Pre Relationship
MoM AU First Night
Slightly Older Hogwarts AU
Post-TLJ
Bodyguard and Prince AU; overflow
Massage Pre Relationship
Oblivious Poe AU
Cyborg Poe AU
MoM AU Sex Pollen
FO Infiltration Sex Ring
TFLN
Soulmate Tattoo AU
Finn Marries Someone Else AU
Evil Finn AU; overflow: 1, 2
MoM AU Poe 10 Yrs Older
Vamp/Were AU
Missing for a Year/Telepathy AU
MoM AU Poe 'canon' updated
Dark Possessive AU
Married on Yavin AU
MoM AU Sexy Outfits
MoM AU Subway Sex
MoM AU with Melodies!Finn; overflow
MoM AU Photo-Op Kiss
Nearly Old Men AU
MoM AU Rule 63
Online Dating AU
MoM AU Poe Lost His In-Game Memories; overflow
Trans Poe AU
College Roommate AU
TIE Pilot/Prostitute AU
MoM AU Finn Returns from Port-Out
MoM AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Canon AU Manipulative Masturbation Machine
Shape Shifter AU; timeskip
FO Sexual Torture AU
MoM AU Finn Has a Boyfriend
Hades AU Finn Left Alone
MoM AU Apocalypse
MoM AU Poe Died in Canon
Canon AU Handjob in a Hospital (inspiration)
MoM AU Another Apocalypse
WWI Pen-Pal/Love Letters AU
Institutionalized Prostitution AU
MoM AU Body Swap
Post-TROS Victory Party

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There had to be a middle ground, though, even if Poe couldn't see it anymore. Finn squeezed his hand into a fist over and over, trying to think.

"I-" He didn't want to say what he was about to say but-... dammit. "I like it when we go that far. I liked what last night ended up being. I just want to be able to tell you when I need it. You say that I don't know, then give me the chance to learn without forcing me. It-"

Finn bit his lip again. If he was going to be totally honest here, he needed to do it in every capacity. "It scares me. That time you woke me up and last night when you pushed me onto the bed-" He caught his voice wavering and straightened himself out. "Those scared me. Poe, I don't want to be scared when I'm with you and I don't want it to be a process. I don't ever want to be scared around you again."

There was a long pause, and Poe's frown deepened, confusion knotting his brow.

"... I know it's scary," He eventually said. "It should have had to be that bad, but it's always going to be scary, that's just - that's how it is. It's one of the reasons it feels so good, right?"

He wet his lips.

"You liked being pushed on the bed, Finn," he murmured quietly. "You moaned when I did it. I know it's a hard thing to accept, but - we're being honest, right? You liked that part of it. I'm willing to demonstrate what it would be like without it, but... I just - I already messed this up. You can't just skip the process. Of course you don't want it. The process is terrible. It's where you end up, that's the point."

Finn stared up at him, a slow dawning horror coming over his features as his shoulders slowly fell. This whole time, Poe's heart was nowhere near the right place. There hadn't been a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Poe knew exactly what he was doing.

His eyes looked away, flicking over the floor and control panel and chair, trying to breathe. This realization had become a weight inside him, worse than the dread and fear had been. He had to squeeze his hand into a tight fist to keep from shaking.

It wasn't like he was a stranger to abuse. The First Order had just largely been strangers, masked beings that he hated just as much as they hated him. Or, rather, didn't care one way or the other. This was so different. This was Poe.

He looked back up to him, trying to find him again. "Did you like it? When he started doing this to you, did you want it like you think I want it?"

"No, of course I didn't."

He hadn't realised that before that moment he hadn't actually told Finn that the Admiral had done the same thing to him. It just made sense that Finn knew.

"I mean, I didn't know that I did. It took a long time. He was - it was different, though, Finn. I didn't like him at all, at first, it was totally different. But you love me, right? And I love you. So it'll go a lot easier, I promise."

Had Finn said that he loved him. He did but he wasn't certain he'd said it yet. Not with everything going on between them, not with this.

"I don't want it to just be easier. Poe, we can enjoy each other without things being this way. The fear doesn't help. Didn't you want him to stop?" Finn pauses, trying to reel himself back in from such a desperate edge. "I understand why you grew to like it, I really do, but we can have something better. I know we can."

Finn didn't need to say it. Poe knew it. Poe knew it as deeply as he knew his own feelings.

"There isn't anything better," Poe said, frowning. He was starting to get a head ache, and he rubbed at his temple. "Yeah, I wanted him to stop, at first. But then I - I would have done anything to keep him from stopping. Would have done..."

Fuck. His head was really, really starting to hurt. Something wasn't right. His thoughts weren't lining up properly. Poe was trying to confuse him.

"... Why are you doing this to me?"

Finn felt like that last night. He would have done anything in the moment to keep Poe from stopping, but that wasn't right. It was the state of mind he'd been put in, that place that made him beg. It felt so good in the moment but he hated the power it gave others over him. Especially Poe.

Wait, doing what to him? "I'm just trying to talk to you," he answered softly, resting a gentle hand over the temple Poe had rubbed. "I just want you to know that there's always something better. I want the best for you."

That, at least, was true.

I want the best for you. The words echoed and Poe chilled slightly. No. No, it was his turn. Finn was supposed to be the subordinate.

"I'm the one who's supposed to look out for you," he said, a little tersely. "That's my job. That's my role. I'm not - I told you that I wasn't like other people, Finn. Neither are you. I can see it, clear as day. I just - I just wish you would trust me."

"I want the best for you."

He so desperately wanted to say that he did trust Poe. He wanted to trust him, he wanted them to be at that point. So, as much as he wanted to reaffirm that, he couldn't.

Again, Poe was right. Again.

"I know you do. I know that. But, Poe, this- I want us to have a partnership. You said when this started that I had you like you had me. We look out for each other. That's what I want. Both of us on the same level. It'll be better. I want to look out for you, too."

"It doesn't work like that," He replied, rubbing his temple again. Getting frustrated. "There aren't - You need the levels. I need the levels. It's -- that's just how things work. I don't know how to make it work, otherwise--"

There was a deep, aching pain in his chest.

"You're like me. I know you are. I saw it. I know you are--" But he was sounding less and less convincing to himself every minute.

He was starting to get scared again but Finn swallowed it down. His hand grabbed Poe's, squeezing. "It can work like that. It might be difficult but it'll be worth it. It'll be better. I'll be with you. I'll help you through every step. We can do it together."

The hope was so bright but so far away. He almost hated it, taunting him, but it gave him some bravery. "I am like you, but you aren't like this. You're kind and loving and hurt. I want to be with you. I want to help."

Poe pulled his hand free, averting his gaze, feeling queasy.

"I'm not hurt," he said, sliding out from Finn's reach and back towards the doorway. Everything was just - this was a lot, and his head was pounding, and he kept thinking of the Admiral's face, bathed in red light as a beam shot across the galaxy--

He swallowed and pulled further away.

"I am like this. I am. I'm--" He couldn't stand it, if Finn thought he was broken. He just couldn't stand it--

His hand balled tightly into a fist and then pressed hard into the doorframe. He didn't slam it. Just pressed it, and then kept pressing it until his knuckles went white.

"I'm not broken," he said finally, a real note of hurt and anger in his voice, and then before Finn could stop him, he fled. Not that there was anywhere he could really go.

"No, I- Poe." He was gone, ran off through the ship.

Finn should stay where he was, maybe go find his blaster somewhere. Poe wasn't balanced right now. They went too far into the problem. He sounded angry, was probably dangerous.

Probably a danger to himself, though. He hadn't hurt Finn, as he kept reminding himself. Staying and hiding wasn't an option.

After a second of shock, Finn stood and ran after him. "Poe, wait! I didn't say that! I didn't mean it like that."

There was no where to go. He felt completely trapped, and just fled to the engine room - the furthest point on the ship he could get from Finn in the cockpit. His head was going a million miles a minute and none of it made sense. He shouldn't have told Finn about the Admiral. He shouldn't have--

Then he heard Finn's voice following after him and he clapped his hands over his ears, shutting his eyes tightly.

He just had to - to centre himself again, that was all. Finn was having doubts and it was making him have doubts. He couldn't afford that. He couldn't.

He was slipping into a panic attack, he realised dimly. Like a voice speaking completely detached from him, off deep in his mind. He hadn't had an attack in years, not since his initial training with the Admiral. His breathing was coming fast and hard, his heart speeding along at a million miles a second--

And thus he stood there, in the engine room, hands clasped over his head.

He wasn't waiting.

But he was all too primed.

Finn stumbled to a stop outside of the engine room door. He didn't dare get much closer, not from how Poe looked. What he should do is leave him alone, let him deal with it by himself, but Finn couldn't do that. What if he hurt himself? What if he doubled down on those hurtful thoughts?

"I'm sorry. It came out wrong," he said quietly, lowering himself down to the floor to make himself seem smaller. He could still run like this, maybe. Still get a head start if Poe came for him. "You're not broken. I don't think you're broken."

But he was hurt. Broken suggested there was no coming back. Yet Poe had been the one to say it, meaning that's what Poe had thought of himself. Broken beyond repair. That's what the Admiral made him believe and it's what Poe had been dealing with this whole time.

"Poe?"

"Leave me alone, Finn." The words were a low, growled, rumbling warning, and he didn't turn to face him. Didn't trust himself too.

He should just grab him. Should just grab him right here and force himself inside of him, and fuck Finn so hard that his lungs gave up out of exhaustion. He wanted to. Even the thought of it made his cock twitch. But he didn't turn around, didn't move his hands from over his ears.

"You don't want this. That's what you were saying, right? You don't want this. You don't really want me at all, you want something else that looks like me but works like how everyone else does. Someone--" Whole? "-- normal."

Finn backed away slowly with the warning but made it hardly two steps before stopping. He was trembling again and had to squeeze his fists to stop it. It had been years since he was this scared, long before his defection from the Order. He felt small, helpless.

A deep breath, a swallow- "I want you," he said slowly, quietly, keeping his voice calm and measured. "I want you to be okay. And if you're not okay, I want to help. If it's just me and you in this, then I want to help."

He could barely help himself.

"I'm. Fine." His voice was tight, fingers curling hard, dragging through his own hair and across his scalp.

"There's nothing wrong with me, I just know what I need. There's nothing to help!" His hands finally came down and he turned on a dime, rounding on Finn. But he didn't approach. All the frustration and anger and - and lust - all of it curled tightly in his muscles and wound him up, waiting to pounce. But he didn't.

He shook with restraint, but he didn't pounce.

No matter how much he wanted to.

"You can't fix me, Finn! And if that's all you want out of this--"

No, he could fix him. He could. He knew he could.

Finn shook his head. "I want you. I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I love you." Not that any of it was news to Poe. He tensed, ready to run.

He felt the heat behind his eyes for only a second before the tears were welling there.

He'd known it, of course. Just like he'd known with the Admiral. Of course Finn loved him. Of course the Admiral had. Nothing they shared would have happened, otherwise.

He hadn't realised until that moment what a difference hearing it would make.

He was almost shaking with rage, his fists balling at his sides. "If you don't want it to happen again, Finn. You need to leave. Right now."

He saw the tears, heard the warning. It was so much progress that he wondered if he could push it further. If he stood his ground, he knew Poe could control himself. He knew that he wouldn't have been warned if Poe didn't actually care.

But he really, really didn't want it to happen again.

There was a second's worth of delay before the fear won out and Finn ran. He hated leaving Poe behind with those demons but he couldn't let himself get hurt like this again. So he ran back to his bunk, locked the door, and grabbed his blaster. Double checking it was still set to stun, he sat on the floor with his back to the bunk he hadn't slept in since that night and watched the door.

He could feel tears in his own eyes and ignored them.

Nothing came.

Poe didn't even move, just sunk bodily for the floor. Then, when he was sure he was alone and that Finn couldn't hear him, he cried. He cried for a while. Angrily and without feeling any satisfaction for it whatsoever.

Eventually, he went to his own bunk, closed the door, locked it, and passed out.

He didn't understand what he was feeling or what was happening, but he knew something was wrong. It was just taking an awful long time for him to work through it. In the end, he gave up, and let sleep take him.

In Finn's sleep, however, Poe wasn't so kind.

The dream was almost identical to the real world. The door was closed, the blaster was in Finn's hand. Then there was a pounding on the door.

"Finn. Finn. You can't hide from me forever. You can't hide from the truth forever!"

Again, as much as he didn't want to, Finn had fallen asleep. His dream was even more terrifying than reality, though, and he fumbled with the blaster, but couldn't set it to stun. It was set to kill only, no stun option. He'd have to kill Poe to get away from him.

Swallowing his fear, he tried to reply in a strong, sure voice. "I'm armed, Poe! Don't try anything, please. I don't want this! You know I don't want this!"

Though the door still showed as being locked, he knew it probably wasn't. Nothing was closed tight enough to keep Poe away from him.

"Stop lying to me!" Poe roared through the door. There was another few seconds of banging, and then deathly, still, silence.

In the nature of dreams, the door never opened. Poe's voice just came from somewhere on the other side of the room.

"You want this more than anything.

Finn turned quickly, his back hitting the wall. He didn't know how Poe got in, didn't dwell on it. It didn't matter. All Finn knew was that he was locked in here with him.

He raised the blaster as if to actually shoot him, fear surging through him. "I don't. Poe, I know you're not like this. You're not thinking straight. You know I don't want this. I don't want to do this."

If he shot Poe, he'd kill him. His hand tightened on the blaster.

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sigh i meant finn was trying to confuse him... TOO MANY POES TONIGHT LOL

I UNDERSTOOD lol

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