lina_musebox

Poe's smile was soft, and warm, and he didn't even question the arms - shifting himself so he could slide up Finn's body and into them, wrapping his own around Finn's torso as he buried his face against Finn's throat.

Later, it would plague him - that moment of peace. He wouldn't understand where it had come from or what had caused it or why he'd been so happy.

He'd chalk it up to the sex.

But for now he was just blissfully hazy, lost in Finn's arms. He leaned his weight into the other man, exhaustion suddenly dragging his eyeslids closed. He could fall asleep here, and he knew it would be dark and dreamless and better than any he'd ever known.

With Poe's warm, relaxed body against him again, Finn was able to put everything else aside. He could bask in this, staying here forever if he wanted to, drowning. He closed his eyes and let himself be slowly consumed again.

Hours later, he was still in the bed, wrapped in Poe's arms, staring at the bulkhead. The same horrifying thought kept swimming around his mind as he turned the words this way and that, trying to decipher some sort of sense: He'd begged Poe for it.

He couldn't keep denying the finer points to himself anymore. The baseline was that he'd enjoyed the sex with Poe, on all occasions. The fear and forcefulness and possessive nature- It all turned him on more than anything else ever had before. He had to admit that.

But he still knew this was wrong, even if he liked that it was wrong. Poe refused to listen to him, refused to sway when he expected Finn to bend on command. They had agreed on something mutual, and Poe led the charge in fucking it up. And Finn begged him to keep doing it.

Fuck, fuck, what was wrong with him?

He untangled himself from the arms, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, but there was nowhere to go. He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his face, just sitting there. Even if he did get up, Poe would find him. And he'd gravitate back to Poe, thinking they could talk. And they'd somehow end up fucking again or something. But they did need to talk, Poe needed help.

Maybe- Maybe now that they had done this, they could stop arguing about... how it would begin. Maybe if they could move beyond that, Poe would feel more secure about their relationship and listen to him.

He pressed his thumbs against his closed eyes, willing himself to calm down. Nothing would get done if he was freaking out.

Poe stirred awake slowly, dragged out of a deeper sleep than he'd known in a long time. Finn's solid weight had moved, but all he had to do was reach out a little and it found the man's warm back. Almost instinctively, he curled towards it, leaning in to press a kiss to the man's spine.

Murmured, quietly: "What time is it?"

Finn jumped when Poe touched him before forcing himself to relax. He didn't want to get on his bad side immediately. Besides Poe hadn't- he hadn't hurt him, so it was an unfounded reaction, anyway.

"I don't know," he answered honestly, hoping he could have more time alone. "It's probably too early. Just go back to sle-" The ship's day cycle turned on, the room brightening to simulate morning. "Or not." Great. He should have left when he had the chance.

For now, he took a deep breath and stood up. "I'll check the comms, see if we got any messages in the night." Doubtful but it was part of his routine, anyway, all protocol.

Really, he was just stalling but had no idea why.

It was a little too late - Poe immediately drew back when Finn jumped, brows furrowing as he watched him, the smile slipping from his face.

"It's alright, I'm awake," He said, watching Finn get up.

Damn it. Had it not worked? He'd been so sure it had worked, everything had felt so good, but Finn was skittish with him again...

Slowly, he sat up, completely naked, but didn't move to stand.

"Alright." Slight worry leaking into his voice. "I can grab us some food."

Poe was suspicious. It was already starting to fall apart, and he wasn't even dressed yet. Speaking of, the issue was beginning to bother him, the exposure making his skin crawl. Should have never taken off his clothes in the first place. What had he been thinking?

"Okay." Okay, yeah. Suspicious was one thing, but Poe was still being reasonable. So far. He picked clothes off the floor and made to leave. "We'll do that and then we'll- we'll talk."

They could do this. Finn had to have faith that they could do this.

He frowned, wondering vaguely if he should just catch Finn's wrist, pull him down and pin him to the bed right here. Force him to remember how good it was.

But he'd been so happy, so content, mere hours ago. In the wake of it, Poe just felt a strange sense of loss.

Loneliness.

"... Alright."

'Talk'. Finn kept saying that, but hadn't they talked last night? Hadn't they finally come to an understanding?

But still, he didn't move. Didn't try to make Finn stay.

After all, it wasn't like there were far for him to run.

Finn paused at the door, wondering if he should somehow go back and reassure Poe. Kiss him or something. The look in his eyes was making even more uneasy than he already was.

But he didn't want to kiss him. He wanted to get away.

So he let out a breath and left. Quickly throwing fresh clothes on, trying to pretend that last night didn't happen, he desperately set out on his morning routine. There wasn't much to do, though. He had cut down to only the bare necessities as the days got more and more confusing between them.

He checked the comms, not surprised at the lack of messages. Considering their long route, it would probably be a while yet before anything came in. That was more unsettling than it should have been...

Instead of doing much more, he stayed there in the cockpit, watching hyperspace pass by, knowing Poe would find him eventually. He had to get his thoughts in order before then. Had to talk to him.

Had to be honest.

He stayed in bed for a while.

He knew he should get up, but his mood was souring quickly. He'd thought it was okay, now. He thought he'd fixed it. He'd held Finn in his arms and told him that he loved him and Finn had held him back. It had been even better than he'd expected - it had felt loving and even joyous, and now all of that was souring.

He thought Finn understood.

He forced a breath out of his nose. Calm down, Dameron. It took the Admiral nearly half a year to break you. You've had only a few weeks to work on Finn. It's because you've had to rush it, that's all. He'll come around.

He didn't totally believe what he was telling himself, but he decided he did, and started grabbing for his clothes.

Breakfast were two ration bars, heated until they were a little more then tepid, and then brought through the ship to find Finn in the cockpit.

"Any messages?" As he held out a bar.

Okay. Showtime.

Finn took a deep breath and turned around to face Poe. "No, nothing." Again, not shocking. Just disappointing. He took one of the bars. "Thank you."

Instead of beginning to eat, though, he picked at the warm wrapping. He had just thanked Poe. Granted, it was for handing him some food, but a few minutes of normalcy didn't change the last few days. He should just get this over with.

He leaned back against the bulkhead, trying to choose his words carefully again. "I really enjoyed last night," he began, starting with as much honesty as he could muster. "I-... I shouldn't have enjoyed it but I did. I wanted to talk about it."

He was on edge and tense - until Finn said I shouldn't have enjoyed it but I did, and then he just... relaxed.

Oh. He got it now. He hadn't got it before, because he'd been working so hard. But it had worked. It just needed percolation time.

A smile came to his lips, small and fond and a little apologetic.

"It's okay to like it , you know," He said, taking a bite out of his bar. "I know it's hard to think about it like that at first, but it'll get easier to admit it to yourself as it goes." Chew. Swallow. "So what did you want to talk about?"

It'll get easier... The thought of this continuing like it had been wasn't something he was looking forward to. That's the part he wanted to change.

Yet, he paused for an entirely different reason. The way Poe talked about it had sounded like experience. Had he done this to other people? Had this been done to him?

He squeezed the bar and tried to put himself back on track. "Communication." Right. That was a good start. "Last night, we- we, uh-" Fuck. What words could he possibly use? "We improvised. It worked out, but that's because we were both holding back. Now that we aren't anymore, I want us to talk about what we want before we start-... before we start."

He should say he didn't want the sex at all anymore, but Poe wouldn't listen to that. Besides, Finn had no room to say no now. He had begged. Poe would call him a liar and he'd be fucking right.

Poe took another bite, chewing thoughtfully as his brows started to pull together a little.

"Why are you worrying about that?" He asked finally. "I told you. I know what you need. Telling me what you want isn't really going to help, is it? You can't ask for what you need, so you'll just be disappointed. Just trust me. I took good care of you last night, right? You enjoyed it."

He looked down as hit bar to pry a little off with his fingers.

"I did like the improvisation, though. Especially that last bit - It just felt so right, Finn. I can't describe it. I knew it'd be good, but you just feel so right."

Okay. Okay, he was getting freaked out again. The flippant, happy way Poe talked about it, how he looked forward to doing it again.

"I can ask for what I need. I just want verbal communication before it starts, that's all. I... feel like it'll help me understand."

He was really starting to dig with this, trying to find logic where there wasn't any just to keep Poe pleased. "Most people don't do things this way. Whatever we have-" -preferably not this- "-I want us to last."

“We’re going to,” Poe said, a sudden strength and sharpness in his voice.

“I am not going to abandon you, Finn. No matter what happens or who gives me grief about it - I wouldn’t do that to you.” Not like the Admiral had done to him. “I know most people don’t do things this way, but that’s why we have each other, right? We’re not most people.”

What the hell was he talking about now? He thought Finn was scared of abandonment? He didn't want to lose Poe, that was true, but this isn't what he meant.

Why did it feel like they were always having separate conversations?

Instead of trying to seague into his next point, he just jumped right in. There was little other way to do it. "Poe, I'm worried about you. I- This is... doing something, it's working out, but sometimes you say or assume things-...

"Are you okay? Did something happen before?"

He wouldn't have dared to be so blunt if he wasn't freaking out again.

Poe blinked, the comments feelings like they were coming out of left field.

“What? Yeah, I’m okay. Finn, I’m more than okay. Last night was amazing. I don’t know what you’re asking. Do you mean about the abandonment thing? Because yeah, I mean, like— you know me. Don’t keep my trap shut all the time. Makes me a liability. But not for you. You’re gonna be fine.”

Dammit, okay, he had to back off on that one for now. Had to go about it slower than that. Had to stay calm.

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "But what do you mean by liability? To the Resistance?"

He blinked. Had he said that.

“No? No, I meant—“

It was weird, how memory worked sometimes. How grief worked. Because despite thinking of the Admiral a lot, recently, despite thinking of the context, he’d somehow managed to make one very important connection.

The Hosnian system had been destroyed. The Fleet has been destroyed.

The Admiral was dead.

He raised a hand, covering his mouth without realizing it, a look of shock on his face. How had he not realised it earlier?

“Politically,” he said, not looking at Finn at all as the knowledge finally washed over him. “I meant... I’m a liability politically.”

Finn froze, realizing Poe's mind was in a completely different place right now. Usually, Poe was unpredictable, but this just made that aspect worse. How could he get him to see that he wasn't well? How could he convince him to find help?

Terrified, Finn put the bar to the side and stepped forward, gently putting a hand on his arm. "Poe? What's wrong? What are you thinking about?"

He'd been sworn to secrecy about it. Had the secret beaten into him, branded into him, and he hadn't spoken about the Admiral aloud ever since.

But the Admiral was dead.

He felt a sudden heat behind his eyes and he swallowed, roughly, trying to shake it away.

"Sorry-- Sorry, I just. I guess I never... I never really stopped to think about it, I..." His hand worked over his mouth, eyelids flickering. "... I didn't think about it. But he's dead."

"Who?" Finn asked quietly, carefully.

He could guess who, though. This had been done to Poe before. That's why he was so messed up about it, it's why he didn't think he was in the wrong. Poe had enjoyed it like Finn had and he'd eventually given in. That's how Poe knew what it felt like, what he thought Finn needed.

But now that man was dead, somehow, and without giving Poe closure.

Maybe this was it, though. Maybe if he could get Poe to open up about it, he would see how this was all wrong. This is what Poe needed help with.

"The Admiral." Said like both a title and a name. Poe didn't even dare use the man's name in his own head, let alone out loud, and he looked a little stunned that he was talking about it at all. But he shook his head quickly, as if dismissing it.

"It's fine. I'm fine, Finn, a lot of people died. Just get a little blindsided by it, sometime. Let's - let's go back to what we were talking about."

Only he didn't totally remember what they were talking about. Something about liabilities? Being abandoned--

He swallowed.

"Point is, we'll, ah-- it'll work out. Okay? I promise."

An Admiral. Of course, it was someone with such a high rank. Poe would never have been able to get out or even tell anyone. He must have died with the Hosnian system.

At this point, Finn didn't want to go back to what they were talking about. This was the most progress he'd made since this whole thing started. "Now that he's gone, maybe you can talk to someone about losing him. It's okay to be blindsided about it." That was a good track he could lead with, at least.

Finn licked his lips, thinking. "I want this to... work out. I just know we'll have a better chance of it if we talked more about what we wa- what we need. Just talking, Poe. That's all I ask."

For now. He had no idea what he was going to do when Poe wanted him again.

"No, I lost him a long time ago." A little too quickly. He took a step back, then another, until he could press his spine to the doorframe and lean against it, crossing his arms.

"You don't need to worry about it, okay?" He said, misunderstanding the curiosity for jealousy. "It's long over. You're the only one I care about, right now. I won't let him ruin this for you."

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